Careless
by China Dolly
Summary: He told him to leave, but didn’t realize he would really miss him.


**Title: **Loneliness

**Summary: **He told him to leave, but didn't realize he would really miss him.

**Chapters: **1/1

**Pairings: **Ritsuka x Soubi

**Warnings: **Shounen ai, angst.

**Disclaimers: **Nothing is mine, not the song and not Loveless… if it was, Ritsuka would've so lost his ears!

_Somtimes, somewhere  
You try to hide your mind for good  
You know it ain't fair, but you're just misunderstood  
Now try, just try to say  
What's on your mind_

_- Krezip_

Long, slender fingers combed through his hair and brushed over the soft fur of the edges of his cat-ears. He turned his head and closed his mouth. Hiding the scarlet blush that stained his cheeks and prevent a soft moan from leaving his mouth.

Soubi...

How much he liked this. But he couldn't say so. Couldn't admit to the longhaired blonde Fighter he liked this. _Suki da yo, Soubi. _He thought. He wanted to say the words himself. But when Soubi said them he hated it. When Soubi said those words he said it on a tone that made them sound so lied. So imprinted. And also he knew that when he, Ritsuka, would say the words, they would be real. But not from Soubi, not to Soubi. Because Soubi was only told to care.

Now the fingers moved. Over his cheek, his lips, his neck. Down to his arms. The fingers brushed his naked, pale skin and he shivered. Soubi's fingers were cold although the weather outside was great. Ritsuka closed his eyes in anticipation, trying not to see Soubi's blonde hair and blue eyes. 'Suki da yo, Ritsuka.'

Immediately Ritsuka's eyes flew open and he sat up, a pillow falling of his bed in doing so. 'W-what?'

'Suki da yo. What's wrong, Ritsuka?' Soubi asked, leaning over his Sacrifice lightly. 'Nothing. Shouldn't you go home by now?' He asked, the dark feeling of being lied to bubbling up inside of him again. He couldn't stand it. In the beginning it would be okay for Soubi to lie, because it wouldn't touch him in a place where it hurt. But now, it hurt. Every time Soubi lied it stabbed like a knife in his heart. Like in the beginning his mother started hitting him. That also stung, but he came over that. But sometimes he would wonder. Would he ever get over Soubi? And his lies?

'I won't go home until you tell me what's wrong with you.' Soubi said as he kissed his fore-head. A feather-light touch that reminded him much of a butterfly that sat on a flower. Butterfly, Soubi. Damn. He tried to forbid himself to think about the one that dubbed himself as his Fighter. Dubbed himself as the person that loved him. But both were lies. Both were mere twisting of a truth that Soubi refused to tell. And at the moment, he hated him. 'You are wrong with me. You liar.'

'I'm sorry for that.' Soubi apologized and kissed Ritsuka's fingertips. But Ritsuka pulled his hand out of Soubi's grip, stood from the bed and opened the curtains to his balcony. 'Whatever. You should go home.'

'Suki da yo, Ritsuka.'

'I hate you.'

'Suki da yo.'

'Get out, go home!'

'You always say that. I don't understand.' Soubi answered as he sat on the light-blue sheets of Ritsuka's bed. And at that moment Ritsuka wanted to laugh. He found it funny that now finally Soubi was the one that didn't understand something. He had been in the dark a very, very long time on all the things about Seimei. But then again. If Soubi didn't understand this, when would he stop? If he didn't understand that Ritsuka didn't want to hear false declarations of love, he wouldn't stop.

'Ritsuka. If it upsets you that I don't know. Please, explain.' Soubi almost pleaded and Ritsuka sighed, not being able to ignore Soubi as he spoke on such a tone. It sounded so nice, so loving... caring. If only he could say "those" words on such a tone. 'You shouldn't say I love you if you don't mean it.' He whispered and Soubi sighed. 'I do mean it.'

'No you don't!' Ritsuka yelled and looked at Soubi with glaring eyes. 'Seimei told you to! You don't belong to me, you don't love me! It's only Seimei and you're just obeying his orders. By saying you love me! He's dead, and still you obey him as if he's standing right behind you!' He yelled and Soubi looked stunned. That such energy and angry words could come from one 15-year old.

'I want you out. I don't want to see you.' Ritsuka said and pointed towards the balcony. But Soubi didn't move so he closed his eyes to regain calmness. Anger won. 'Get out, go home! Soubi, go away! I don't want to see you! Not now, not tomorrow! Just go away!'

'Is that an order?' Soubi asked, and because of his rage, Ritsuka couldn't hear the sadness imprinted in his Fighters voice. 'Yes!'

----------

'Ritsuka-kun, hi, Ritsuka-kun!' Pink hair waving in the wind and a bright smile welcoming him. It was just the same as always as he arrived at school. Yuiko and Yayoi were waiting for him by the school-gate. Yuiko waving enthusiast and Yayoi smiling just a bit. But today, after what happened last night, Ritsuka couldn't bring up the energy to smile. So he walked past them and muttered a soft: 'hi,'

'Ne, Ritsuka-kun?' Yuiko asked, as he walked by. 'Did something happen with Soubi-kun?'

'Hmph, why?' Ritsuka asked as he turned and saw his two friends standing in front of him. Yuiko a bit down and Yayoi a bit nervous. 'He was here this morning. But he just left very soon when he didn't see you.' She said and Ritsuka growled, startling both Yuiko and Yayoi.

'He shouldn't have come. That liar. I told him not to.' He said and looked down at his shoes. He kicked up some dirt and hoped that Yuiko would just drop the topic. He had to admit, he felt slightly guilty for what he'd yelled at Soubi last night. But the man had just deserved it in his opinion. He was so careless by saying he loved Ritsuka over and over again without realizing he only hurt the boy. Okay, he understood that Soubi wanted to obey his Sacrifice, his Master. But that he was just to dumb to understand he was hurting him with it, he couldn't stand that.

'Aoyagi-kun, Yuiko-chan, let's go to class.' Yayoi spoke up suddenly and Ritsuka felt grateful for that. He really had to stop thinking about the other man. He wouldn't come and he didn't want him to come. So that's what the three of them did. Went to class and after school they went to Yayoi's house to play some video-game. And almost all the time, Soubi wasn't on his mind.

----------

'Damn,' he cursed softly as he felt the stinging of his cheek against his pillow. When he'd gotten home from Yayoi his mother was mad at him again. For not being the Ritsuka he was before Seimei died. She'd thrown a vase to his head and a couple of plates. How much he didn't quite remember. He'd been in the bathroom for a long time and he had a large, white, dressing on his left-cheek.

But that wasn't the only thing. He missed Soubi. He didn't want to admit it, and he still didn't want to see the other man, but he just missed the company he would give at night before he went to sleep.

And so, this went on for around a week. At the end of the seventh day Ritsuka was very, very tired. He slept badly, thinking only about Soubi and if the other man would be all right. His attention in school was lacking so much his teacher didn't even bother anymore to change it and his moods were like a hurricane above a green pasture.

At school Yuiko and Yayoi were trying to cheer him up, but nothing worked. The boy would just stare and would lift the corners of his lips in an ill attempt to form a smile. But it just didn't work. He was too worried. Too mad at himself for ordering Soubi away. And now he knew... he needed the man. He needed to apologize to Soubi and make it all good again. Right now he didn't care if the "I love you's" were all lies. Right now all he wanted was to hear that velvet dripping voice again. To have those long fingers in his own. Right now he just needed the false words of care. If only to take the doubt of being truly Loveless away. Because that was how he felt without Soubi by his side. Even though Yuiko and Yayoi cared. He still felt loveless.

----------

'Ritsuka-kun! You've got a present on your desk! Look.' Yuiko said next morning as he walked into the classroom. She was jumping up and down, pointing at his desk. And indeed there it was. A small box with dark-purple paper wrapped around it. 'C'mon, Ritsuka-kun, open it!' Yuiko said and Ritsuka walked towards his desk. He sat down and grabbed the small box, tearing the paper off of it. Now he held a cardboard-box in his hands and he took a small gulp of air. Deep down he hoped the present came from Soubi. And when he opened the box, he knew the present came from Soubi.

He'd gotten a little pendant to hang on his cell-phone. A small, purple butterfly. And when he lifted it out of the box, he could see a small note lying on the bottom.

_Ritsuka,_

_Suki da yo._

_I miss you._

And he was breathless. Far away his mind registered Yuiko squealing and Yayoi laughing softly. But inside he was jumping. He didn't know why, since he was the one that had send Soubi away, but he was just so happy. Perhaps it was because he felt that with this, Soubi had forgiven him. But Soubi didn't need to forgive him. Because Soubi would let him do everything and still say he loved him.

'You should send him a text massage, Ritsuka-kun!' Yuiko squealed but Ritsuka shook his head, still stubborn. 'No,'

'Are you two still fighting then?' He heard Yayoi ask and again shook his head. 'Not really. I just told him to leave me alone.' But he said it with such sadness in his voice, that his friends dropped the topic.

But in the break, when everybody else was having lunch. Ritsuka slipped away to the bathroom. And he sat there, on top of the lid of one of the toilets, with his open phone in his hand. He wondered. Should he send the message? Should he dare hoping that Soubi would this time tell the truth?

"_Soubi. If... if Seimei came back to life... if he ordered you to kill me. What would you do?"_

"_Seimei is dead."_

"_That's why I said 'if'! If Seimei ordered you to... Answer me, Soubi! You'd kill me, right?"_

"_Probably,"_

"_I knew it!"_

"_If such day comes. I'll die first."_

"_Soubi,"_

"_A life with you Ritsuka... for me that's..."_

"_You idiot"_

Ritsuka sighed. It was all about that, wasn't it? All about his brother. 'Seimei,' he whispered, staring through the open stall-door into the mirror. His reflection lost and lonely staring back at him. 'You would just have done it, wouldn't you? But Seimei, Soubi belongs to you. He is yours.' He said, closing his eyes as he was close to tears. '_Till death will part us._ Seimei's voice whispered to him. He remembered Seimei telling him the words and explaining the meaning of them to him. He explained the words to him because he'd had a play race-car that Ritsuka had wanted when he was little. Seimei had said: "_When I die, Ritsuka. You will get everything I own." _And now he remembered those words. And he thought that perhaps, perhaps Seimei had seen it coming. Perhaps he had given him the notice, even back then, that Soubi would be his. And Ritsuka smiled a little. He looked to his phone and with yet another sigh began to type.

To: Soubi 

_From: Ritsuka_

_Thank you,_

_I miss you too._

_Come to the park in the afternoon._

_Please._

_- Ritsuka_

----------

He was nervous. Well, make that nervous as hell. His feet kept dangling on the beat of a song he'd heard on the radio he liked. Early Autumn, Psycho le Cemu. He liked the band, even though he wouldn't admit it to many people. They'd say that wasn't his style. But then again, what is style?

Soubi would come. That was the sentence he kept playing over and over inside his head. He really wished Soubi would come. If he didn't... Ritsuka sighed. If he didn't, he would know enough. He vaguely noticed that the bench he sat on was green, like in those American parks and movies. It was calm and the leaves of the trees had reached their greenest point. Little kids were playing on a lawn near the swings that stood on a slight hill.

But as he closed his eyes to block out the sun his thoughts wondered to Soubi again. He remembered the day that Soubi got hurt while fighting one of the two Zero teams. Yamato and Kouya, he thought vaguely. He'd been so worried about Soubi that night. And then there were Youji and Natsuo telling him he wasn't supposed to be Soubi's sacrifice. That he would never become his sacrifice and that he had his own Fighter somewhere in the world. But when Soubi had woken up and kissed him, laid him down onto the bed and comforted him, it felt so good.

He didn't know what it was, but Soubi did something with him that no one else ever could have done. He awakened a fire within Ritsuka that if it weren't for Soubi, would probably have never been discovered. By now he also started to realize it had begun to grow dusk around him. The children had left and he was now alone in the park. _So, _he thought sadly, tears coming to his eyes, _this is it, uh?_

Soubi wouldn't come, he realized now. He would not come and so every assumption he had was right. All the times Soubi'd said he loved him were lies. Just lies. He didn't love him. It was his entire fault. He had sent Soubi away. Perhaps if he hadn't done that Soubi would be with him now. He would still doubt if Soubi cared, but at least he could pretend then. Pretend Soubi cared and that hard reality would stay away from him as long as possible. But now it was here and it had come crashing down hard onto him. Perhaps harder than he could take, he thought as tears run down his cheeks. After Seimei died he'd broken down too because he had no one to leave on. And than came Soubi and he had Soubi to lean on. He'd never thought in the beginning he would fall in love. But he did. And now the only person he had to lean on was gone.

He cried softly, pressed up in a small ball in the corner of the small bench. His small body shook of the heavy sobs and his tail was folded around his knees.

----------

'Ritsuka?'

And there it was. That velvet voice sounding through the emptiness of the park. His ears perked up at hearing the voice and he gazed up at the long, lone figure standing on the path. His eyes shone underneath his lashes because of the tears and let out what could be described as a happy squeal. 'Soubi!'

'Ritsuka, what happened?' Soubi asked as he sat down next to Ritsuka on the bench. He sat a decent amount of space away from Ritsuka, not knowing if the boy was still mad. But when the boy started sobbing again and grabbed the front of his shirt to lean his head against his chest he laid his arms around the fragile body. 'Ritsuka? It's okay. Suki da yo.'

'D-don't say that.' Ritsuka muttered, his voice muffled by the fabric of Soubi's shirt. 'I-I missed you.' He whispered, as Soubi stroked his hair. 'And I'm sorry. I shouldn't have yelled.'

'It's okay, Ritsuka. I'll forgive you anything. Suki da yo.'

'Don't say that, Soubi! Don't...' Ritsuka said and looked down to his shoes. He was so glad Soubi was here again. But now it would all start over.

'Once I was told by someone, that I obeyed a person that is already dead. But that person probably didn't realize that he himself still felt that I was attached to that same, dead, person.' Here Soubi paused, letting the words sink in by Ritsuka. But when he got no answer, no reaction whatsoever, he continued. 'Seimei is dead, Ritsuka. I stopped caring for him and obeying his orders a long time ago. I'm not staying with you only because he told me to. I stay with you because I really care. Why won't you see that? Why are you so absorbed with your guilt towards your brother for pinching me that you won't see it's not that way at all.' Soubi said, sounding rather angry at the moment and Ritsuka winced slightly. Soubi was mad at him. Soubi had never sounded like this, never said these kind of words. Only when he was wounded after fighting Zero and not wanting Rtisuka to see it.

Guilt? Self-absorbed? Was he all that only because he believed Soubi belonged to his brother? But if Soubi himself said he didn't belong to Seimei anymore, than did he? And he said that he stayed because he cared. Could he trust him? For the first time, trust Soubi on the words he spoke?

'I'm sorry,' forlorn, that's how he sounded as he whispered the words almost carried away by the wind. 'I'm sorry I didn't believe you. But you... you said it so much, and in the beginning I didn't want to believe it. So it's just... the words meant nothing.' He fell silent and as he raised his head and looked at Soubi with pleading eyes he whispered: 'forgive me?'

'Of course, Ritsuka.' Soubi said as he brushed the bangs out of Ritsuka's face and kissed his forehead with such gentle care the younger boy shivered. 'Aishiteru.' He said and Ritsuka's eyes grew wide as he looked at Soubi.

'The words meant nothing you said. So I'll say it on any other way to make you realize how much I care.' And with those words he bent down and kissed Ritsuka. The kiss was sweet, utter bliss. Their lips slide against each other and Ritsuka's eyes slipped close not a second later. A soft sigh left him as Soubi's arms wounded themselves around his thin waist. He leaned forwards into the kiss and opened his mouth for Soubi's tongue to enter. And as their tongues played, Ritsuka fell into a world that was complete heaven.

And as they sat there, Ritsuka's head on Soubi's shoulder, the young boy looked up at his lover and smiled. 'Soubi?'

'Yes?'

'Aishiteru.'

Owari 


End file.
